Time on Our Side

Dear friends,

I am very excited because my 2nd edition Cards for Remembering decks are on their way and should be arriving in Louisville today! I cannot wait to see them and I cannot wait to get them into your hands if you pre-ordered the 2nd edition deck. If you received a survey from Kickstarter and haven't yet filled it out, please do so!

For anyone who wants to know more about the 2nd edition deck, you can check it out here.

Apart from that, I've been thinking about time.

Over the weekend I drove my parents and their dog Cleo to a Gulf town in Texas. For the last several years they have spent part of the fall there, enjoying the warmer weather, the company of a lifelong friend and other friends they've gotten to know over the years. When Dad had a series of strokes last year, I became the driver for the crosscountry trek they had previously done on their own.

On our trips we alternate between chatting and listening to the radio, music, and podcasts. An episode we listened to about time from The Hidden Brain podcast keeps coming back to me. (Side note: Another favorite is pretty much any episode of Throughline.) Several ideas, both familiar and unfamiliar, stuck out to me from the interview with psychologist Cassie Mogilner Holmes:

1. Many of us spend a lot of time on things that don't bring us joy or fulfillment. It doesn't have to be this way.

2. Many of us view time from a scarcity mindset. We believe that there is never enough time to do all we want to, so we often miss the present moment as we focus on the past or future.

3. Research shows that we are dissatisfied both when we have too little discretionary time and when we have too much discretionary time.

4. If we take a time audit, tracking very specifically what we spend our time doing and rating the activities by how much joy they bring or how we feel doing them over say, a week, we can use that knowledge to re-prioritize how we spend our time.

For example, we might see that on a particular day we spend 30 minutes or an hour scrolling through social media and on the same day note that we didn't spend time taking the run we wanted to. Perhaps we'll see that we spend waaaaaaaay more time reading and writing emails than we had realized. With this awareness, we can begin to make different choices, limiting and expanding the time we spend on certain activities.

I am thinking now of a conversation I had last week with someone about washing windows. She talked about how she used to power through the task, starting and not stopping until it was done, even when it meant she felt completely wiped out afterwards. This year, if I'm remembering correctly, she is washing one or two a day, which means that the task still gets done, but it doesn't leave her completely spent. To me it speaks to the questions, How do I feel doing this? and How do I want to feel doing this? The time spent doesn't change. The attitude does. Isn't that lovely?

5. We might also make a "times left" calculation. Knowing that rather ordinary things often bring us joy, connection, and satisfaction, we can estimate both how many times we've done those enjoyable activities (say, family dinners) and how many times more we think we'll do them. With that perspective in mind we can be more conscious about making the time for those things and also be more mindful about the attention and energy we bring into those times.

Since I started intensive work in Compassionate/Nonviolent Communication almost exactly 5 years ago, when making plans I've been asking myself more and more: Is this a genuine yes? A half-hearted yes, or resigned yes, or obligatory yes (which later often turn into resentful yeses)? Or a genuine no? I am practicing not only knowing the answers, but being true to them, which doesn't always feel easy.

After listening to the podcast, I am thinking about how I can bring the question not only into making plans for the future, but also more often into the present moment, so that instead of turning to social media or something else that takes up discretionary time in a way I don't necessarily enjoy, I can ask what might be a genuine and conscious yes in the here and now.

I also want to do some work with the "times left" activity. I'm not sure yet what I want to focus on, only that I do want to work with it.

I want to change my relationship with time, differentiating between recognizing limits and collapsing into the fear of scarcity.

What about you? What is your relationship with time? Where do you feel at ease in the relationship? Where would you like to adust your relationship with time?

I'd love to know.

~~~
I always love spending time sharing Compassionate Communication. Tomorrow (Thursday, October 6) from 12:00-1:30 I'm offering a Compassionate Communication practice session. These sessions are a la carte, donation-based events for anyone who wants to hone their skills, ask questions, or otherwise continue to explore the practice in a supported space. On October 20 I'm sharing one of my very favorite Compassionate Communication activities about responding to difficult messages. Experiencing this for the first time was a game-changer for me and I know others have also experienced some big shifts from doing it. I'm also so excited to be a part of Saturdays with Spirit this weekend! Keep reading for more information about these and other workshops, classes, and events.

With care and gratitude,
Cory

Priorities in Perspective

Dear friends,

My Cards for Remembering will arrive next week... maybe.

In the second half of last week, I communicated again with the project manager to ask when I might expect the new decks. The answer: they'd be shipped early the week of October 3. The news that they'd arrive even later than I had expected brought new disappointment. Anxiety also arose in me, as I was expecting to have the decks for Saturdays with Spirit on October 8th and will be doing some traveling after that. What if they don't arrive before the event or before my travels?

Practicing acceptance didn't feel quite as easy as it had earlier in the week. Nevertheless, I worked through the disappointment. I reminded and continue reminding myself that I can put a lot of time and energy into imagining and worrying about all the things that could disrupt my plans or I can put my energy into the hope that my plans will move as expected and that, even if they don't, ultimately, it will all be ok.

Yesterday I contacted the project manager again to see if the ship date is still early next week. I received this message this morning: We still have it scheduled, but I do not have any update. I know we will be closed while the hurricane comes through, so I will need to get you an update as we get closer to that date.

Ah, yes. Right. The manufacturing company is in Florida.

Seeing his message, the arrival date of my decks doesn't seem very important anymore. Any rearranging of plans I may have to do feels pretty inconsequential.

I wrote back and said I hope they remain safe and that they don't experience damage from the storm. I've checked in with others I know in Florida. So far, all are safe and have either evacuated or are hunkered down for what may be coming.

Their well-being is what's important. As I write my mind fills with the many people who are still reeling from tornadoes or floods in Kentucky, hurricanes in Puerto Rico and Cuba, floods in Pakistan, war in the Ukraine, war in too many other places, the ongoing Israeli occupation of Palestine, friends and family, even some of you, who are going through some rough times for a variety of reasons. They, you, we, all beings are important.

May they, you, we, all beings be free from suffering.

May theyyou, we, all beings be free from harm.

May theyyouwe, all beings be free from anger and fear.

May theyyouweallbeings know peace and love.

These are my hopes. May the fulfillment of these hopes, even if incompletely and inperfectly realized, bring us closer to one another.

What are your hopes? How do your hopes guide your actions?

May our hopes guide our actions guide our hopes guide our actions guide...


~~~
Sharing Compassionate Communication is one way my hope guides my action. With that in mind, let me mention a couple of upcoming events: Next Wednesday evening and Thursday during the day (October 5 & 6) I'm offering Compassionate Communication practice sessions. These are a la carte, donation-based events for anyone who wants to hone their skills, ask questions, or otherwise continue to explore the practice in a supported space. On October 20 I'm sharing one of my very favorite Compassionate Communication activities about responding to difficult messages. Experiencing this for the first time was a game-changer for me and I know others have also experienced some big shifts from doing it. Find more information about these and other workshops, classes, and events here.

May you be well.

With care and gratitude,
Cory

Accept or Resist?

Accept – then act. Whatever the present moment contains, accept it as if you had chosen it. Always work with it, not against it.
- Eckhart Tolle


Dear friends,

This is the week my Cards for Remembering are supposed to arrive! I think...

Yesterday was supposed to be the day my decks were shipped out. In the morning I received a message from someone from Shuffled Ink, the manufacturing company, saying there would be a delay in shipping, but that they'd upgrade to a heavier cardstock to make up for the delay.

This sent my brain swirling: I don't have a sample for that cardstock I don't know how it feels what if I don't like it what about the celebration my neighbors have planned for saturday what if they're not here should we still have it when will they actually arrive do I need to rearrange my schedule wait I can't until I know when the cards are arriving what do I do??

If you read the above and had trouble sorting where one thought ended and another began, well, that's about how things were in my brain.

After taking a few deep breaths, I called the project manager I've been working with. I told him that the feel of the cards is really important to me and I didn't have a sample of the upgrade weight cardstock. I asked him to shuffle decks made with the cardstock I ordered and with the heavier cardstock (it being his business, he had both on hand). I listened while he shuffled. He then gave me his feedback, saying that shuffling a large deck in the thicker cardstock might feel unwieldy. Thinking of a dear friend with small hands, I chose to stick with the original cardstock. Doing so would for sure mean a delay. The project manager asked if that would be ok.

I had a choice: I could accept that the cards would be later I originally expected or get angry that the cards would arrive later than expected. Anger wouldn't change when the cards arrived, but it would likely change my day, maybe even the next few, and lead to a headache or other physical manifestations of stress.

Accepting what I couldn't change, I went on with my day, disappointed that I wouldn't have the decks as soon as I'd hoped, but relieved that I still knew what my cards would feel like and happy that they'll still be arriving soon.

As we were getting off the phone, the project manager said, "Talk to you soon!" I couldn't think of a reason why.

In the evening I received a call from the president of the company. He called to ask about a particular detail of the deck, wanting to make sure that they had it correct before printing the cards. I assured him it was. "We'll be in touch when it's time to ship," he concluded. I look forward to receiving that call!

Yesterday I practiced acceptance. Only a few days ago I was in resistance and resentment because I had said "yes" to a task I really didn't want to do. My resistance took the form of procrastination. Even when I finally started the task, I found myself working on it briefly, then taking long breaks, and reluctantly returning to it. As you can imagine, it took, or felt like it took, much longer than it had to.

The above may be "easy" examples of accepting and resisting. Life presents us with situations that are harder to accept. What does it mean to accept when we're confronted with racism, sexism, hate, or other forms of violence?

Eckhart Tolle, also quoted at this beginning of this email, has this to say, "“To complain is always nonacceptance of what is. It invariably carries an unconscious negative charge. When you complain, you make yourself into a victim. When you speak out, you are in your power. So change the situation by taking action or by speaking out if necessary or possible; leave the situation or accept it. All else is madness.”

I appreciate the distinction he offers between complaining and speaking out. When I am complaining, my shoulders are hunched and I feel helpless. When I speak out, my shoulders are wide, chest open; I am empowered because I am practicing self-acceptance, trusting my value and my voice, which is different from accepting the conditions I may be in or witnessing. From that empowered place, I can make choices with greater consciousness- accept, change, or leave the situation. Accepting, changing, or leaving circumstances may take many steps and lots of time. They may take energy, but so does resisting. Resisting what can't be changed wastes a lot of energy.

When Life invites you, what will you choose? Acceptance or resistance?

When you are working with what is, does working with it mean ongoing acceptance, changing, or leaving?